I am Janus

What am I going to do once I graduate? What if I never become an actress/director/writer or what if I'm unhappy in three years? Where will I go when I die? What if God is real and everything they say is true? What if heaven is real? Would I even make it there? What if there's nothing?  What if there is no higher power, what if the earth is really just a large rock floating?  What will my best friend say if she finds out I'm pagan? Will she hate me? What will it be like to not know myself, to not be myself?  What if I don't want to go, if I don't want to die?  What if somebody murders me? Or my brother? What about when my sister dies? Or my mother, my best friend, my boss, my dog, what then? When will I stop being so afraid? 

These are thoughts that I have literally everyday.  It has been happening all my life. I can't stop them when they surface and sometimes, I'm unable to calm myself down.  I feel like I can't breathe, I can't stop crying, and the thoughts never stop coming. They get worse and my mind is so vivid that I feel like what I'm imagining is real and that it's happening and I can't stop it.  

I used to think that I was being over-dramatic, simply worried.  I used to be able to tell myself that everything would be fine. Stop worrying, I'd say. Gods, you're such a spaz.  Now, nothing I say works and talking about it makes it worse. I'll just sit in class with these horrible images washing over me and just pray they go away.

It feels like my own mind is attacking me. It's like there's another person inside of me peeling away the fabric of the reality I created. 

This is anxiety...

It affects every aspect of my life. I deal with it every minute. I am unable to control my own mind.

I have anxiety because I have an intense fear of the unknown.  I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what comes after death. I don't know when I'm going to die, but I know that I will and that scares the shit out of me. I know that everyone I know will die.  Every time my roommate goes out on a date, I think she's going to die. Every. Time. I don't tell her because I don't want to to worry about me. I worry about people worrying about me.  I don't know if I'll do anything significant with my life.  I don't know if love and happiness are the most important things in the world, but I give my all into believing it.  I don't know if the elements or animals have souls, but it's the only thing that makes sense to me. I don't know if the Earth is the mother of all things, my creator because what if I'm wrong? But, paganism is the only thing my heart truly believes.  But I don't know. My fear of the unknown is why going to my religion class was torture every day. It's why when my friends discuss there Christian ideas or their Jewish ideas about the way of the world or it's beginning, I have to leave the room. It's why I tell everyone I'm agnostic even when there's a religion I follow. It's why I can't fall asleep without watching Netflix or listening to music.  I can't trust my mind. It's why I hate space and the vast parts of the ocean. I don't know what's out there. 

I have anxiety because I can't handle scary situations. I can't watch horror films, I can't play tag or hide-n-seek, I can't handle pranks, I can't ride rollercoasters, I can't go in haunted houses, I can't do a lot of things...

I am not writing this to gain any type of sympathy.  I'm not writing this to be the victim.  I am writing this because I need to remind myself that this is real and that pretending it doesn't exist will make it worse. I don't want to hide it anymore. I'm just trying to be honest with myself.  

If anything I wrote here reminds you of yourself, or someone you know, feel free to reach out.  I am currently in therapy and have been for two years.  Getting help was the best thing I've ever done. 

I'm sorry if this put a damper in your day!  I was just trying to get it out there.